The ‘I’m struggling’ thread

[Rooster Booster]

Lost my cousin to the big C in October. Life is shit sometimes, and seems to get more so the older you get.

Sounds like you have plenty of great memories involving your Nan Kevloaf

Thanks for bumping.

The statistics involving men and suicide get worse year on year. If we could stop just one person by encouraging talking on a thread like this - well that would be wonderful.

Don’t be afraid of your feelings - and don’t be afraid to speak up - I’m sure we’d all agree we’d all help a fellow Fat Jockey in need, even if it’s only by lending an ear.

Stay safe in 2023 all

Completely agree. This forum can be and is a force for good way beyond its primary purpose.

One other food for thought, and one I aim at myself first and foremost.

Often whenever we post we have a choice in terms of the tone we use and ‘how’ we choose to convey our message (it is not just ‘what’). We choose how we want the person on the other end to feel and how we want them to receive it. We never know what that person is going through in their day to day life. We don’t know how that person is wired, how resilient they are, how vulnerable they are etc etc

Things can get heated on here and understandably emotional at times. There is an argument to say well if you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen. Personally I would rather those folks that do not feel they can stand the heat to stay in the kitchen with the rest of us and we focus instead on turning the heat down from time to time.

One difficult exchange in a space that feels safe could be the straw that breaks the camels back for someone. We all share this responsibility and while we deliver on this responsibility admirably and the vast majority of time, there is no harm in striving to be even better.

 

[Benjy23]

Sorry to hear about your losses gents.
​​​
My mum died last month, after barely turning 60. Seemingly in good health, no illness and nothing shown on the post mortem so currently registered as 'unexplained'.

I've got two young children and it's just been Christmas of course, so that along with planning a funeral, has just about been enough distraction (most of the time). As well as caring for everyone else in the family.

My life has completely changed though. Fancy January might be tougher.

I've kept that very brief but I'm open to questions or advice.
​​​​

 

[Garrison Savannah]

Benjy- so sorry for your loss. In my experience, deaths that come out of the blue can be hard - and what I mean by that is that your brain doesn’t actually process it in the same way it does for a death that isn’t a surprise.

This has caused me an issue in the past. In the sense that everyone rallies around in the days and weeks following a death. But if your brain doesn’t process it for some weeks and months, people have stopped rallying around, people have stopped asking how you are, and how you’re coping. This makes it harder to talk about when you need to, because you find it difficult acknowledging to yourself that grief is overwhelming you. At a time when you feel you ‘should’ be coping.

I’ll stop waffleing.

My main two takes are

1) Try to be self aware - sometimes it’s very difficult to realise you’re struggling
2) Talk. Talk to your partner, talk to your friends, talk to your family, talk to your colleagues, talk to your Fat Jockeys, talk to your dog.

 

[Quevega]

Benjy- so sorry for your loss. In my experience, deaths that come out of the blue can be hard - and what I mean by that is that your brain doesn’t actually process it in the same way it does for a death that isn’t a surprise.

This has caused me an issue in the past. In the sense that everyone rallies around in the days and weeks following a death. But if your brain doesn’t process it for some weeks and months, people have stopped rallying around, people have stopped asking how you are, and how you’re coping. This makes it harder to talk about when you need to, because you find it difficult acknowledging to yourself that grief is overwhelming you. At a time when you feel you ‘should’ be coping.

I’ll stop waffleing.

My main two takes are

1) Try to be self aware - sometimes it’s very difficult to realise you’re struggling
2) Talk. Talk to your partner, talk to your friends, talk to your family, talk to your colleagues, talk to your Fat Jockeys, talk to your dog.

Or Cat !

I like this thread it's very modern.:encouragement:
Respect and best wishes to all of you who've had a shitty time or had bad stuff happen.
Better days and times will come.
And as important as being self aware, is being aware of others around you.
Look after them.
Ask after them.
Be blunt if you have too. :love_heart:

 

[Benjy23]

Thanks for advice. You're right, I'm already at the stage of not mentioning it unless asked / prompted. Must get better at that.

Not got a dog or a cat unfortunately but talking to the kids is pretty similar...

 

[Stormez]

I had two funerals of relatives the week of Xmas. Not great timing obviously (and they both unfortunately clashed with novice chases in Ireland I was looking forward to!).

I of course found them both upsetting personally but I feel I deal with them pretty well, but the hardest thing for me is seeing my loved ones so upset. It absolutely breaks my heart. My mums taken the death of her sister really hard.

Sending all my love to anyone on here who may have struggled over the last few months, and if I can lend an ear or any support don’t hesitate to reach out.

 

[Joleg]

Sorry to hear about your losses gents.
​​​
My mum died last month, after barely turning 60. Seemingly in good health, no illness and nothing shown on the post mortem so currently registered as 'unexplained'.

I've got two young children and it's just been Christmas of course, so that along with planning a funeral, has just about been enough distraction (most of the time). As well as caring for everyone else in the family.

My life has completely changed though. Fancy January might be tougher.

I've kept that very brief but I'm open to questions or advice.
​​​​

So so sorry to read this, it's awful.

You've done the right thing by putting it on here, it must have been such a struggle through xmas with all you've had to cope with.

Be safe in the knowledge that better times are around the corner.

DM's are open as always for anyone that needs to chat.

We lost my uncle (My Godfather) on xmas day, which wasn't unexpected. His two children live in Australia and it's now down to my mum and i to sort out funerals etc.

 

[Lbur4288]

I had two funerals of relatives the week of Xmas. Not great timing obviously (and they both unfortunately clashed with novice chases in Ireland I was looking forward to!).

I of course found them both upsetting personally but I feel I deal with them pretty well, but the hardest thing for me is seeing my loved ones so upset. It absolutely breaks my heart. My mums taken the death of her sister really hard.

Sending all my love to anyone on here who may have struggled over the last few months, and if I can lend an ear or any support don’t hesitate to reach out.

Pretty much where I am at, I have always been pretty desensitised to death having lost both parents by 21 so when other family members time comes I end up with the others turning to me. Always a message away if anyone wants to vent, chat about it or about anything in general.

Loss is always horrible and we all deal with it in our own way, I dont think I deal with it well by shutting out my emotion but I've found over time it becomes more "normal" and you get used to things. I'm just very sorry to hear that some fellow FJs have been through this recently. My thoughts are with you all.

 

[JackieMoon33]

Little bump for this thread - few new members and all...



My Nan passed away in October and we were very close, I was definitely her favourite (obviously, if you ever meet me! :biggrin-new - took her out every weekend for at least 6 years, before that went out as a more family thing for as far back as I can remember. There every night when I got home from school if I think back long enough - let me have 2 snacks instead of the 1 allowed by my Mum.... no wonder I'm so skinny.

Took it a lot harder than I thought I would at the time, given she was old and unhappy and in a home and wanted to go! .... Anyway, I'm not struggling any more, but in hindsight I should have been on here and mentioned it at the time rather than cutting it all off, I think it'd have helped.

Tough time of year for so many people for so many reasons, so I hope everyone is okay, and if you're not, reach out to someone! :love_heart:

And there I was thinking you were a skinny keyboard warrior with space hopper balls. God bless you Big Man.

 

[BigChaang]

Little bump for this thread - few new members and all...



My Nan passed away in October and we were very close, I was definitely her favourite (obviously, if you ever meet me! :biggrin-new - took her out every weekend for at least 6 years, before that went out as a more family thing for as far back as I can remember. There every night when I got home from school if I think back long enough - let me have 2 snacks instead of the 1 allowed by my Mum.... no wonder I'm so skinny.

Took it a lot harder than I thought I would at the time, given she was old and unhappy and in a home and wanted to go! .... Anyway, I'm not struggling any more, but in hindsight I should have been on here and mentioned it at the time rather than cutting it all off, I think it'd have helped.

Tough time of year for so many people for so many reasons, so I hope everyone is okay, and if you're not, reach out to someone! :love_heart:

Very Sorry to hear this Kevloaf . , I had 2 Nan's . ( I know , I'm not the only one !.) . One was quite strict and the other was like your Nan ,
Extra Chocolate biscuits , Homemade jam Sponge cake and Lashing's of Hot Chocolate .
Loved them both though obviously .....And Lost them both around the same time , so i remember feeling very Sad , as i was only a Whippersnapper .
......................................................
It is a painful thing to have to deal with , the only thing that makes it any easier is the passing of time . and having those Happy Memories . :angel:.

 

[Benjy23]

Thanks Joleg, Xmas day not ideal timing even if the death was expected.

It's the first time in my life (34 years) I've had something like this happen to be honest, which makes me very fortunate I guess. But I think it is the complete unexpected part of it that's effected me most like. Obviously lots of things I'd have done differently or said if I'd have known and had time to come to terms with it. But the shock and then the explaining it to the kids that they'll never see her again, with no chance of pre-warning them. I should probably take some comfort in there being no suffering but even that's a struggle to see tbh.
​​
​The other part I struggle with is how much it changes my future and if it's almost selfish to think about that. I guess there's a message in that of don't take for granted what you've got! :courage:
​​​​​​
​​​​​

 

[robith]

As someone who has gone through a lot of grief for the first time this year, my one big point of advice is to make sure you have time to let it out.

I was so busy with all the sadmin, and being strong, I didn't make space for the uglier side of loss. The proper despair, and also the anger.

About a fortnight after we lost dad I went on a walk in Epping Forest. I got as deep as I could and just started screaming; mostly about how unfair it all was. I yelled and yelled, I kicked trees, I thrashed about. I can not tell you how much better I felt afterwards. Like I'd lanced an emotional boil.

Don't be scared to be irrational

 

[Benjy23]

As someone who has gone through a lot of grief for the first time this year, my one big point of advice is to make sure you have time to let it out.

I was so busy with all the sadmin, and being strong, I didn't make space for the uglier side of loss. The proper despair, and also the anger.

About a fortnight after we lost dad I went on a walk in Epping Forest. I got as deep as I could and just started screaming; mostly about how unfair it all was. I yelled and yelled, I kicked trees, I thrashed about. I can not tell you how much better I felt afterwards. Like I'd lanced an emotional boil.

Don't be scared to be irrational

Thanks for this. It's probably not completely what you had in mind but you've inspired me to invest in a punch bag for the spare room tonight! Hopefully gives me some release :watermelon:

 

[FinalFurlong91]

As someone who has gone through a lot of grief for the first time this year, my one big point of advice is to make sure you have time to let it out.

I was so busy with all the sadmin, and being strong, I didn't make space for the uglier side of loss. The proper despair, and also the anger.

About a fortnight after we lost dad I went on a walk in Epping Forest. I got as deep as I could and just started screaming; mostly about how unfair it all was. I yelled and yelled, I kicked trees, I thrashed about. I can not tell you how much better I felt afterwards. Like I'd lanced an emotional boil.

Don't be scared to be irrational

Completely agree

As men when bad things happen we are constantly told to 'be strong'

This is absolute bs

Keep it all in, it makes things much worse

It's ok to not be ok

talking about things like this isnt easy but it is necessary

​​​​​​​sharing the pain lessens the load

 

[Middle_Of_March]

Keep it all in, it makes things much worse. It's ok to not be ok, talking about things like this isnt easy but it is necessary

Firstly, hope everyone who’s posted of late is feeling better about things. I’m so sorry for all of your losses. This thread is and has always been such a brilliant idea for one another to help each other.

Just thought I’d add to your post about the importance of talking and bottling stuff up from personal experience. I’m pretty sure I’ve never spoken about it before (but that I have alluded to my brain being abit messed up at times). A few years ago (I was 18 so six years ago it would have been) I was about 2 minutes away from doing the thing you can’t undo because I’d bottled stuff up over a long period of time. I remember struggling. I remember not knowing why I was struggling. And I remember people noticing I was struggling but not letting them in. Talking back then was never promoted like it is now (in the last six years the promotion of mental health via news, tv etc is a huge improvement IMO). I do also remember crying a lot for no reason at all and having no idea what I was crying about. I was just sad for no reason but no matter what I tried, there was a black cloud in my brain making every situation negative. The next 10-12 months I remember very little of until one day finding myself a few metres away from a train station crying my eyes out with no top on (no idea why I was topless) but with the very clear idea of my intention. I don’t know if I’d have gone through with it but I know at the moment that was what I wanted to do so desperately to just make it stop.

Anyway.. some random bloke saw me in my state and stopped me on my way to make me talk to him. He wouldn’t let me carry on walking away as I tried. He could’ve carried on walking himself but he didn’t. For whatever reason, after that year of suffering in silence I decided to blurt out that ‘I just want to die’. I don’t actually know what brought me to say that but I did. I never mentioned the train station and he probably didn’t even realise how close I actually was and that if he hadn’t stoppped me what might have happened. I don’t know what it was but from there that guy got me talking. The conversation was the exact moment I started to recover. We talked. He understood. He gave some good advice. Some lifesaving advice. And most importantly he showed me reasons why I actually want to live but that I just needed some help. From there I spoke to family later at university my best mate who had been through something similar. And the more I spoke about it, the more I felt the weight and pressure of everything in my brain being released. The best way I can describe it was that a valve was opened and the pressure began to deflate. I didn’t realise I was depressed. I didn’t realise I was self-harming with something that I was doing. I didn’t understand all that had gone on in my mind but by eventually speaking and one stranger noticing me in a total state on one chance encounter, I understood how crucial it is to talk about stuff. I never did get any info on that guy and have never seen him since (which is slightly surprising as I wasn’t that far from the station and that itself is near my house). I’d love nothing more than to tell him how much that he helped me that day and but him a beer.

My point is (and I’m not trying to make the thread about me here but just showing a real-life anecdote of the need to get things off your chest). I can’t stress enough how important it is to not bottle anything up. I genuinely believe if I had spoken out a year earlier, there’s no way I’d have got to that position of being so close to doing something that can never be undone. Because it’s still going to be there in a year in the depths of your mind if you don’t speak to someone. Anyone. This place included. FatJockey is a quite unique community in that even though everyone has a niche interest in one week of the year, we interact with each other all year long. This place is as good as any for a conversation about the real world. So as I said back when the thread was created, my DMs are always open. Talk.

 

[Magpie]

This is quite heart wrenching to read MOM. But also uplifting, life can be quite bleak at times, for so many reasons. One kind gesture, a call with someone, can make all the difference.

So glad you are in a different place now.

It’s a great forum, and a great place to give each other a little mental lift from time to time.

 

[Liammet]

Firstly, hope everyone who’s posted of late is feeling better about things. I’m so sorry for all of your losses. This thread is and has always been such a brilliant idea for one another to help each other.

Just thought I’d add to your post about the importance of talking and bottling stuff up from personal experience. I’m pretty sure I’ve never spoken about it before (but that I have alluded to my brain being abit messed up at times). A few years ago (I was 18 so six years ago it would have been) I was about 2 minutes away from doing the thing you can’t undo because I’d bottled stuff up over a long period of time. I remember struggling. I remember not knowing why I was struggling. And I remember people noticing I was struggling but not letting them in. Talking back then was never promoted like it is now (in the last six years the promotion of mental health via news, tv etc is a huge improvement IMO). I do also remember crying a lot for no reason at all and having no idea what I was crying about. I was just sad for no reason but no matter what I tried, there was a black cloud in my brain making every situation negative. The next 10-12 months I remember very little of until one day finding myself a few metres away from a train station crying my eyes out with no top on (no idea why I was topless) but with the very clear idea of my intention. I don’t know if I’d have gone through with it but I know at the moment that was what I wanted to do so desperately to just make it stop.

Anyway.. some random bloke saw me in my state and stopped me on my way to make me talk to him. He wouldn’t let me carry on walking away as I tried. He could’ve carried on walking himself but he didn’t. For whatever reason, after that year of suffering in silence I decided to blurt out that ‘I just want to die’. I don’t actually know what brought me to say that but I did. I never mentioned the train station and he probably didn’t even realise how close I actually was and that if he hadn’t stoppped me what might have happened. I don’t know what it was but from there that guy got me talking. The conversation was the exact moment I started to recover. We talked. He understood. He gave some good advice. Some lifesaving advice. And most importantly he showed me reasons why I actually want to live but that I just needed some help. From there I spoke to family later at university my best mate who had been through something similar. And the more I spoke about it, the more I felt the weight and pressure of everything in my brain being released. The best way I can describe it was that a valve was opened and the pressure began to deflate. I didn’t realise I was depressed. I didn’t realise I was self-harming with something that I was doing. I didn’t understand all that had gone on in my mind but by eventually speaking and one stranger noticing me in a total state on one chance encounter, I understood how crucial it is to talk about stuff. I never did get any info on that guy and have never seen him since (which is slightly surprising as I wasn’t that far from the station and that itself is near my house). I’d love nothing more than to tell him how much that he helped me that day and but him a beer.

My point is (and I’m not trying to make the thread about me here but just showing a real-life anecdote of the need to get things off your chest). I can’t stress enough how important it is to not bottle anything up. I genuinely believe if I had spoken out a year earlier, there’s no way I’d have got to that position of being so close to doing something that can never be undone. Because it’s still going to be there in a year in the depths of your mind if you don’t speak to someone. Anyone. This place included. FatJockey is a quite unique community in that even though everyone has a niche interest in one week of the year, we interact with each other all year long. This place is as good as any for a conversation about the real world. So as I said back when the thread was created, my DMs are always open. Talk.

For all the years I have enjoyed this forum this post is by far THE BEST POST I HAVE READ on here
I encourage everyone to read it
Everyone has shit going on in their life
Don't bottle it up,speak to someone

 

[Exar Essay]

Middle_Of_March I echo what Liammet says. That is the best post I have read on here (including those about Gaelic Warrior). I always scan read this forum to a certain extent - it's a form of social media - but that post gripped me for the 3 minutes it took to read. I am so pleased to read you are doing so much better now. It is also so uplifting to hear of good acts by others (your stranger).

Great decision to post this, you'll help a lot of people I'd bet, even just on here. Superstar.

 

[Joleg]

Middle_Of_March i found myself almost in tears reading that, however it's such a great post. So glad thar you can now talk about it and a very good reminder to all, that it's good to open up to people and that feeling that way is not a weakness.

So glad that the guy was there :adoration: :smiley_simmons:

 

[Lobos]

How brave of you to post that MOM. Something like that should be made into a poster and put up at every doctors surgery ,bus stop , taxi stand, train station. The amount of lives that would save/change would be huge. Got me right there. Well done mate.