My Cheltenham Festival plan.
1. Blag my way through the garden gate at about 11.15am each day using one of last year's badges - put on that I'm-a-bit-gaga-and-too-old-to-be-a-fraudster look. Works every time.
2. Head straight to the Arkle Bar (garden shed) where several bottles of Guinness have been left in plant pots. Face-time a racing pal who is also supping Guinness in his garden shed and talk form.
3. Pop over to the Tommy Atkins bar (kitchen) where you conveniently left a ready-made meal (maybe an Indian curry or Moussaka) cooking in the microwave.
4. Return to the Arkle Bar (shed) to consume the food and down one more Guinness.
5. Head over to the pre-parade ring (patio?/lawn?drive?garage?) to look at the runners in the first race. For added authenticity get a piece of rope and lay it on the ground in an oval shape. Cut pictures of race horses out of the paper (you have almost 7 weeks to prepare, no excuses). Put each picture on the ground, weighed down by a stone in case it's windy.
6. Then back to the Arkle bar for one more Guinness.
7. Return to the pre-parade ring (patio etc) which has now morphed into the parade ring. Examine horses and round up any strays.
8. Time to find a good spot to watch the racing from. I always like watching from the lawn in front of the grandstand so I'll go and stand in the middle of the lawn with a pair of binoculars - having moved the TV into position facing the window or an open door so the race is visible from this vantage point with the aid of binoculars (don't get too close, that's cheating, bins must be used).
Anyone who prefers to watch from the Grandstand can get a bucket and turn it upside-down to stand on. Use a garden bench (if available) if you have company.
9. Watch race and rush over to the winners enclosure (patio) to cheer home the winner if you've backed it.
10. Assuming you've got the winner walk over to the Golden Miller Champagne Bar (greenhouse) where a bottle of bubbly is waiting on ice in a watering can. If you've backed a loser it's back to the Arkle bar.
11. Repeat this schedule six more times - and then again for the next 3 days.
12. The Cheltenham Festival on a shoestring, what's not to like.
13. Just to be on the safe side, plan a nearby hiding place where you can dodge the men in white coats just in case they turn up at some stage. Highly unlikely but you never know.
